I Filed The Divorce Papers This Morning

Okay, I finally did it after months of procrastination. I loaded my children up in the car and drove to the courthouse. I thought I would be nervous, but I wasn't at all. I had to make a stop by the copiers before I went to the courthouse because I needed 3 sets to file. One for me, one for the sheriff to serve him, and the originals stayed in the courthouse.

Now it wasn't my intent to have him served by the sheriff but when I gave him the acknowledgment papers last Monday to get notarized and back to me, he never returned them to me. So he left me no choice. Now keep in mind, this is weird because we still live in the same house, and he really doesn't know what's coming. Although I gave him the papers last week, I did it out of frustration, so he probably thought I wasn't going to move ahead until he got that back to me. Well, what a surprise he's in for.

I am filing these papers after a year and 3 month seperation from my husband. (we've only been married a total of TWO years so a lot of time hasn't been invested) We have been in the same house throughout this time, but sleep in seperate rooms. This also includes: no sex, no kissing, no touching, no hugging, no nothing. Just a daily hello and a brief chat about a bill that's due. Even with this, I admit we have co-existed quite well. He stays out of my way, and I have stayed out of his way. He spends most of his time in the garage until its time for him to come in and sleep on his bed. (which is also called "the sofa") Now that it's getting colder, he's starting to come in earlier. So that's going to mean more time in my presence that I won't be able to tolerate.

Although he's pretty much quiet, his vibe is still negative. You know how you can just feel a person's negativity towards you without them saying a word? Well, that's how it is here. I guess its a build up of all the things he said throughout the months like the following:

"I dont need people to make me happy" (said in a casual conversation to my mom about something else- but I saw an underlying meaning-- well he's now going to be ALONE without a loving family and playful children--that is until he finds wife no. FOUR--hee hee)
"Your business won't work as long as I'm here" (using that "we are one" thing to keep me in a bondage of sorts)
"I'm going to stay here and make your life miserable" (and he barely says a word--there goes that vibe thing again)
"I break my contracts" (isn't "marriage" a contract? well he said this in a joking way to my mom about something else, but I heard the underlying meaning- keep in mind I'm his THIRD wife!! - I know, I know...should have known better. :-)
"You are nothing without me and my paycheck"
"I'll quit my job before I give you child support"
"I dont want NOTHING from you" (that shows)
"You're not doing anything to benefit me" (meaning my business ventures- but it would have benefited him because anything I bring into the house he will benefit from..and if he would have been appreciative about it, I could have put him in the position to quit his dead-end job that he's had for 15 years to pursue his dream of starting a video production business. Duh?)
"You've let yourself go"- (whatever!- I'm 42 yrs young, gave birth to a healthy 2 & 3 yr old, and still look good)

On a brighter note, the holidays are coming up and I want to enjoy them with people I love and who love me. And although we have been "fronting" real well in front of our families, my "fronting" days are over. I'm done. I'm tired of sharing a closet with him...ain't that sad? That's the only thing we do share besides our 3 yr old son. And even with that, the clothes in there are clothes that he hardly wears. He's made a rack in the garage that he hangs his everyday clothes on.

We've been living like roommates but that's not healthy for the children. If they are going to have 2 parents in the home, they need to see an emotional connection between us, or at least some huggung and snuggling every now and then. And since we ARE married, there are boundaries that we can't cross. Like bringing opposite sex friends into the home, dating, etc. We may have our issues, but neither of us are trifling enough to do that. (I know there are many married people who do this anyway without a second thought) So for my chidren's sake, its time to let this go. I know it sounds weird to say that, but its better for my children to be with ONE emotionally happy parent, than two who are distant from each other.

The court clerk said that he will be served in a few days, and he'll have 30 days to answer to the complaint, and then we will go from there. We also have to take a parenting class seperately or on our own to go along with the final decree. So I guess I'll tell him about that either today or tommorow. I was debating on whether or not to tell him that I filed for divorce today or just let him be served. I may tell him tommorow. Today is my 2 yr old daughter's birthday. I want the day to end on a little more festive note. :-)

I will share his reaction later this week.

And I may go into details on how we reached this point, but now is not the time. The ink is not even dry on the complaint yet. :-)